PS - To All The Things I've Loved Before: An Essay on Gratitude

By Haven Duddy

An essay on gratitude- a gentle love letter to the people and moments that shaped us, the memories that linger, and the things we carry forward.

A Love Letter

I'd like to raise a glass

to all the things I've loved before.

And I'll tell you right now:

I have loved a lot of things.

Let's start with the boys.

Yes - the boys.

Because wow, did I love a LOT of them.

And if you're lucky enough to even wonder

whether you were one of them....

you probably were.

And if you're reading this thinking,

Oh my God...was it me?"

Yes.

It was you.

I loved you that much.

I'm sorry.

Or you're welcome.

Or both.

(Probably both.)

I've loved water.

I've loved movement.

I've loved music and flow

and organization

and colors that line up just right

and colors that clash beautifully

and balance

and difference

and big things

and tiny things

and the details

and the lack of details

and the magic in between.

I've loved kindness.

I've loved support.

I've loved when someone made me feel

like I mattered -

like I was important -

like I was seen.

I want to be a good person.

I try.

And God, I feel bad

because I know I fall short

in certain categories.

Motherhood?

Don't even get me started.

I have a thousand pieces of evidence

telling me I'm doing it wrong.

And yet -

I keep hoping

my children know I love them.

and that everything I create,

everything I imagine,

everything I build,

is ultimately for them.

Even if the day-to-day doesn't always look like that.

Even if motherhood doesn't always show itself

in the ways that I wish it did.

I pray they know how much I love them.

I love trying.

I love thinking tomorrow

I might be a little bit better.

Even if today I'm not enough,

maybe tomorrow I will be.

But here's the truth I've learned the hard way:

Sometimes the thing you've been chasing

for months

or years

or decades

finally arrives........

and your mind has already moved on

to the next thing.

I fall in love with the chase.

I fall in love with the dream.

I fall in love with the wonder.

I fall in love with the game.

Which makes it hard for me

to enjoy my own life sometimes.

But I've also fallen in love

with the little things.

The smells.

The feelings.

The beauty.

The tiny shifts that make a room feel different.

The rearranging.

The possibility.

I feel in love early on with the belief that anything could be made better with intention and effort and care.

Sometimes the only thing I need

is to close my eyes

and fall asleep inside my own world -

the one where everything is peaceful

and soft

and nothing hurts.

I'm grateful that I listened to myself.

I'm grateful I love hearing my own voice

because guess what?

Talking to myself saved me.

And now they're finding research

that people who talk to themselves

actually process better.

Which means I was never crazy -

I was smart.

(But try telling that to my family.)

I love possibility.

I love believing that something better

can arrive out of nowhere.

I love watching my baseline rise

to meet whatever new world I step into.

I love the synchronicity,

the "how is this even happening?" moments,

the upside - down lessons

that turn out more beautiful

than the right-side up ones.

And I know what it feels like

for the whole thing to flip

in the worst way

and the best way

at the same time.

To love the good

and love the bad

and not know which is which

because everything is chaos

and meaning

and survival

and longing.

And sometimes you just want a hug.

I love relaxing -

or at least the idea of relaxing.

I've always said we need to calm down.

We need to take a breath.

We're all doing too much.

Running too fast.

Forgetting to live.

I love coziness.

I love the seasons.

I love the shift from one chapter to the next and all the tiny transitions that make life feel like a story.

I love irony.

I love synchronicity.

I love when the little pieces

click together

and you're like,

"Wait a minute.....

that lined up EXACTLY like that

on purpose."

And when you start looking at life like that -

with wonder,

curiosity,

softness,

and just a touch of belief -

something unbelievable happens:

You become the girl you were trying to find.

And the wold becomes so unexpectedly beautiful that you don't know whether to laugh

or cry

or just raise your glass

and whisper:

"To all the things I've loved before....

thank you."

Because every single one

the boys

the dreams,

the heartbreaks,

the wins,

the losses,

the rooms you rearranged,

the moments that cracked you open,

the magic that made you gasp,

the feelings that never made sense,

the chapters you didn't see coming -

all of it

brought you here.

And here

is beautiful.

PS. I love you.