How To Play The Game: An Essay on Self-Discovery

By Haven Duddy

This essay explores self-discovery through the metaphor of "the game" - the emotional rules we learn, the meaning behind how we move, and the clarity that comes when we understand our own way of playing.

Suggested Play in a Game With No Rules

Let me start with the only true rule of this whole thing.

There are no rules.

None.

Zero.

Not here.

Not in life.

Not in the Crazy Pattern.

If anything, the "rules" are pretend -

the kind you borrow from a myth

or a legend

or a whispered story

because it helps give shape to something too big to hold all at once.

But even those are optional.

So I'm not here to tell you what to do.

I'm just here to tell you how I like to play the game of life,

in case any of it feels true for you too.

Take what you want.

Leave the rest.

This is suggested play

in a world where nothing is required

and everything is possible.

1. Kindness Matters (But Not in the Pinterest Way)

I really do believe in kindness -

but the real kind.

The "I'm aware of the wake my boat makes" kind.

The "I know I'm having a bad day but I don't need to drag you into it" kind.

The "I would feel horrible if I hurt you" kind.

Because the truth is:

Guilt is what makes me kind.

I don't want to feel bad about being the reason you feel bad.

It physically hurts my body.

And honestly?

That's enough of a reason.

2. Don't Get It Twisted - I'm Also Tough

Kindness doesn't mean soft.

I expect people to do their best

with what they've been given.

If I hire you to do something,

I expect excellence -

the kind of excellence that comes from pride, not perfection.

And excellence can show up anywhere:

a contractor

a barista

a friend

a teacher

the man outside Radnor Township Middle School who waves at cars like he has the happiest job on earth.

That man is one of the most impressive people I've ever seen.

Pure joy. Pure pride. Pure excellence.

I admire the hell out of that.

Excellence is not about price.

It's about heart.

3. And When You're Good? I Will TELL You.

If you're good at something,

I will absolutely tell you.

I love appreciating people.

But I don't. hand out false praise.

I don't flatter to flatter.

I don't say things I don't mean.

If I say, "You did an incredible job,"

it's because it is TRUE.

And maybe that's because I know how rare it is to hear it back.

People think appreciation happens all the time.

It doesn't.

Every time someone genuinely acknowledges my work.

it means more to me than they realize.

So when I see excellence,

I say something.

Because excellence deserves to be named.

4. Balance is Everything

A well-balanced life

is always about balance.

Balance is not aesthetics.

Balance is not a curated vibe.

Balance is not a pretty morning routine.

Balance is understanding:

Where your rights

start to affect

someone else's.

If you want people to consider your heart,

you must consider theirs.

If you expect empathy,

offer sympathy.

If you want your feelings taken seriously,

take their's seriously.

This doesn't mean perfection.

Just awareness.

Balance is fairness.

Balance is humanity.

Balance is looking at someone else

the way you look at yourself.

5. Have Fun - But Pay Attention

If I had to give one non-rule, it's this:

Have fun.

Enjoy your life.

Laugh.

Connect.

Say yes.

Notice the beautiful things.

Make little moments matter.

But -

Be aware of the room you're in.

Don't accidentally walk into a moment

that isn't yours -

the emotional equivalent of stepping straight into a wedding proposal.

Just look around,

And here's the other part.

When you step outside of your own reality, assume you might be misunderstanding something.

Perspective collapses outside your own world.

That's where people get blindsided.

So be humble.

Be curious.

Be aware.

Have fun.

Just don't knock over someone else's chess pieces.

6. When if Doubt, Measure the Risk, Not Your Need to Be Right

When you're not sure what to do, ask:

• If I'm wrong, what's the impact?

• How much hardship could this cause?

• Is this worth the fight?

• Does this matter to BOTH of us - or just my ego?

Don't destroy someone else's peace

because you need to win an argument about a random fact.

But if something truly matters to someone else.....

Let them have it.

That's emotional intelligence.

That's fairness.

That's the game.

7. Let Yourself Believe in Magic

I believe in magic.

Not the cartoon kind.

The real world kind where:

• something appears right when you need it

• a thought becomes a conversation

• a person arrives at the exact moment you're ready

• your life aligns in ways too precise to be random

Call it coincidence.

Call it timing.

Call it energy.

I call it interesting.

Which is enough.

8. Be The Detective of Your Own Life

You are allowed to be the detective

of your own story.

You are allowed to look closely.

To question things.

To notice patterns.

To investigate your own life.

Ask:

"Why this?

Why now?

Why again?

What is this moment showing me?"

If you want to play at that level -

pull up a chair.

That's the game I'm playing over here.

9. You Are Allowed to Have a Private World

You can have an entire universe inside your mind

that no one knows about.

I did.

For years.

Most people around me couldn't understand my world

my depth,

my dreams,

my longings,

my fairytales.

my love of magic,

my desire for something more.

So I kept it private.

And you are allowed to do the same.

Privacy isn't secrecy.

Privacy is wisdom.

Privacy is self - protection.

Privacy is power.

You only share your world

when it feels grounded, healthy, thoughtful, and safe.

No one is entitled to your inner universe.

10. Sometimes Giving Gives Back

Here's a story.

When I was 19,

after dropping out of college,

I worked as a waitress at Legal Seafoods in Boston.

My best friend and I shared a one room studio,

and I remember lying awake some nights

terrified that I would never get out of that life.

Fast forward many years.

I went back to visit that same friend -

new life, new chapter, same city.

I told myself.

"I'm taking her family and mine to dinner at Legal Seafoods and I'm leaving a $100 tip no matter who serves me"

Not because I'm a saint.

Because I needed it to be part of my story.

The year I left that tip?

I made over 1 million in real estate.

It almost felt like it wasn't enough,

while it felt symbolic -

like something inside me was closing a loop.

Sometimes kindness is for someone else.

Sometimes kindness is for you.

And sometimes it's both.

Two things can be true.

That's the game.

11. The Point of the Game......Is the Game

There is no right way.

No wrong way.

No perfect way.

The point isn't to win.

The point is to play.

To feel.

To love.

To risk.

To think.

To recover.

To grow.

To balance.

To wonder.

To notice.

To appreciate.

To choose.

To change.

To be human.

That's the whole thing.

That's the game.

And this is how I play.

Because at the end of the day. If you're trying -

really trying - and you're aware of what you're doing,

even if you fall a little short....

you'll still land somewhere in the direction you meant to go.

And sometimes "close enough" ends up being exactly right.